Herman Cain: “I Upgraded You”, First accuser speaks, Alred shatters camera lenses

After being accused by at least 4 trillion women of sexual harassment the first female came forward today to speak publicly. According to her prepared remarks Herman Cain proved to be more polite and less forward than I normally am. The statement itself recounted the events that took place 14 years ago. The accuser, Sharon Bialek, held a press conference today to layout the details of the encounter with The Cain Train.

The details, when broken down, seem more like a misinterpreted booty call. The best analysis of the details regarding Bialek’s statement came from attorney, New York Times best-selling author, and nationally syndicated radio host Mark Levin. You can hear his take on it here (after 9 pm EST)

“I Upgraded You” (partial upgrade)

The whole encounter sounds more deranged when you get down to brass tacks. Bialek was surprised she had received a suite and Cain told her “I upgraded you” according to the press release. Later they went to dinner at an Italian restaurant where Cain asks her straightforward; “Why are you here?”. Bialek said she told Cain she was in search of a job. It wasn’t until later in the car ride back to the hotel that Cain channeled his inner Clinton according to Bialek. Awkward. But I’ve been in similar situations before. The only difference is that I never asked why the girl was there. Interestingly enough when she rejected Cain’s advance he stopped and they went their separate ways. See, even Herman Cain knows that “No means ‘No’. But imagine how confused Cain was at that point. She comes into town, takes the hotel room, has drinks, goes to dinner, and at some point Cain is so confused that he feels he has to ask her outright what she is doing there.

And this is why I can not run for President. If you think four women is bad the press conferences about me would look like a line outside of Tower Records for a Justin Bieber autograph signing. You think the Slut Walk in NYC was bad?

End note: Everyone knows that a real “Upgrade” is actually an “Upgrayedd” with two “D’s” for a double dose of pimping.