Welcome Aboard-“Hope, Rage and Chupacabras”. Matt Dawson comes to PatDollard.Com

Matt Dawson has joined the team at PatDollard.Com. While patdollard.com is one of the most active and up to date breaking news sites on the web, we did need to add some comedy relief. That came in the form of Matt Awesome. (his real birth name). Here are some things you may not know about Matt Dawson.

Dawson lead the #occupycouch movement; the only rational response for patriots across the nation to get involved with. The response from the protesters of #occupywallstreet was instantaneous. Most observers and participants didn’t believe that the Wall Street Occupiers could become any less rational. But Dawson’s counter-movement short circuited the protesters last few brain cells and caused at least one protester to defecate on a police car. See below for early days of #occupycouch in action as started by Dawson.

Dawson loses pants-causes protester to drop his own

Since Birth

As I stated earlier Matt’s birth name was “Matt Awesome”. It was later changed to “Dawson” per a court order. In the early 90’s Matt had sneaked onto the set of the hit tv series “Dawson’s Creek” and was caught red-handed trying on a cast member’s under-garments. Needless to say James Van Der Beek was not laughing when he walked in on Matt Awesome in his trailer (#occupythetrailer). However, Van Der Beek requested and eventually petitioned the Judge to lighten any sentence imposed on Awesome. Van Der Beek had every incentive to do so because Awesome had also found a deranged shrine. The subject? Mario Van Peebles. And the picture spread, dolls, and candles were the most tame objects involved. The Judge agreed it would be suitable punishment to harness Awesome with something that would follow him for the rest of his life. That sentence, with light probation (2 years), made Matt Awesome legally change his name to “Matt Dawson”.

Hope, Rage, and Chupacabras

So Dawson has now joined the team of the exhausted and overworked at patdollard.com. Aside from witty and much needed comic relief Dawson has a history of providing wildly entertaining material via The Morlock Revolt. I will not attempt to accurately describe the site here; I can not do it justice. DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for your elation and/or pissing your pants

Right out of the box Dawson releases his first commentary Hope, Rage, and Chupacabras. Countless pundits and bloggers (people in Starbucks who say they are “freelance writers”) have regurgitated every talking point while missing the mark completely. The contributors at Pat Dollard’s site take comedy relief seriously; as we do with current events. We believe if you can not handle a topic responsibly then you probably won the ’08 election.

What we get to see with Dawson’s commentary is the raw pyrotechnics; the wiring, the blasting caps, and the control box behind The Morlock Revolt. If this continues then in good faith I must request a meeting with the Judge that originally sentenced Matt Awesome. A reversal of the decision might now be necessary. In other words…Matt Awesome is already here, actually he never left. But Van Der Beek is gone and the Mario Van Peebles shrine is right where it belongs…In Dick Durbin’s basement.

More facts about Dawson

  • 2009 winner of “I’m on Twitter with a goatee” award
  • Visiting Fellow at The Institute of Constant Comedy
  • Founder of the Non-Profit group “Donations to Simulate Recipient Profit”
  • Original owner of Haile Selassie’s beard